0. If you’re having sex that you want to have, whomever it is with and however many people it is with, is your business, and yours alone.
0. Letting a new person experience you, at your most vulnerable, can be fucking scary, and that’s ok.
I was raised in a strict Christian home. It was drilled into my head that sex before marriage should never cross your mind, and that your virginity is the best gift you can give to a man. Well, here’s my two cents: If you’re having sex that you want to have, whomever it is with and however many people it is with, is your business, and yours alone. That penny did NOT come easily to me. I did not lose my virginity until I was 24. I slept with a man I thought I was going to marry. For me, I was not reeeeaaaallly going against how I was raised, I was just taking the steps out of order. WHELP. Fast forward two years, terrible sex (really, I’d count the thrust until it was over), no foreplay, never getting any compliments on my physical appearance, and genuinely being unhappy in many areas, I broke up with this man. I guarantee it lasted so long because, for me, sex is a commitment. It’s something I can’t undo.
Here’s the deal. Sex. Is. Good.
If you’re having sex that isn’t good, that’s a piece of self-care we need to address.
After ending a two year relationship, I didn’t rush out to meet someone new. However, I decided to get to know myself. I bought a fantastic vibrator, and started carving out ‘me time,’ daily. Yes daily. Orgasms are good. They give you dopamine, which helps boost your mood, and if you’re pleasing yourself and boosting your mood, you’re less likely to ask you ex to come back to you (at least in my situation).
If you prefer the company of another human, go for it. If you don’t want others to judge you, keep it to yourself. How you get over someone or how you choose to re-find yourself is no ones business.
Meredith Grey said “You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke”
Girl, fix yourself the way you need to. Let me be very forward here; make sure that how you’re fixing yourself is not actually breaking you more. Know yourself. I knew I couldn’t rush to sleep with someone new. I first had to accept I wasn’t going to sleep with my ex again, and then set my boundaries for who I would sleep with moving forward.
After deciding what my expectations were for moving forward, I did just that. I mean obviously not that simply. There were a lot of tears, and a lot of missing what I was familiar with. So I wrote (well, typed) a love note to myself, the feelings I wanted to feel before I would sleep with someone knew. The top three on this list were; love, attraction, and anticipation. If I could give you some bonus advice it would be set your standards/expectations. This helped me not let myself down. I also gave myself room to not feel guilty if I didn’t follow my entire list of feelings I set. When I slept with someone, three months post relationship, I was NOT in love, but I could see myself falling in love with this man. I was VERY attracted to him, and I’d been anticipating sleeping with him since I’d met him (almost two months prior). If Meatloaf taught me anything, two outta three ain’t bad.
The hardest part about sleeping with someone new was accepting that they were going to see me naked and at my most vulnerable. Letting a new person experience you at your most vulnerable can be fucking scary, and that’s ok. I know for certain that I am not the only one who has had these thoughts. I also know that they’re overrated, and no guy who cares about you is thinking anything negative about your body once you’ve punched their ticket for the hot mess express.
The first time I had sex after being in a long term relationship, I made the guy wait ‘a long time’ in modern society. That long time was four dates. I wanted to sleep with him on date two, but couldn’t get past the wall I had built in my mind that I couldn’t be ‘easy’ or ‘slutty.’ Guess what? I slept with him on date four (which society would still categorize as ‘easy’ or ‘slutty’) and felt no guilt, I guarantee had I slept with him on date two I would have. See how I looked out for myself there? You have got to make yourself a priority. I’m thankful I had written a love note to myself, acknowledging what I was looking for before giving a piece of myself to another person (I will never not think of that, thanks Christian upbringing). Aside from covering up a little more than usual, I actually wasn’t one bit self conscious sleeping with someone new. You know why? Because he wouldn’t have been sleeping with me if he wasn’t attracted to me. Remember. That. You are beautiful and any man thinking poorly of your appearance while having sex with you says more about him on the inside than you on the outside.
Anyways, enough about you, back to me. I’m sleeping with this new person, feeling very excited that I feel comfortable enough and that he doesn’t believe foreplay is a myth, everything is going great. Until it just stops. Now, I’ve only been with one person and usually sex went longer than I was comfortable with, but I’ve never been super into it and then it just.. stopped.. I looked at him and said in a voice I know was too disappointed “did you finish?” The answer was yes. So I popped up. Went to the bathroom. Put on my ‘not disappointed face’ as well as my pants and went back out to face him. He was dressed and ready to head out.
Apologizing for his performance.. fair.
Also, what am I supposed to say to that? I was just laying there, not like I had any room to critique.
So I did what any good midwestern girl would do, offered him some tater-tot casserole to go. Adding a bit of awkward to the conversation by saying “are you planning to see me again” as I opened my container cupboard. “I hope so” he answered, obviously wondering why I’d ask that, while his ego was hurting from lasting one minute only three minutes before. “Well I’m not going to send you out with my good Tupperware if I’m not getting it back.” With that, I wrap up my two cents.
Take some time for self-care; write a love note to you, write down your expectations from a partner- write down your expectations of you as a partner. Writing a love note to me helped me knock down emotional walls I hadn’t even realized I built. Let someone new in on your own time, but don’t make them crash through a wall to get there. Break down your own walls, build them where they belong. Open doors for people as they earn that privilege.